King of All Media? Hardly

By his own admission, Howard Stern conquered film (“Private Parts”), music (the “Private Parts” soundtrack) and radio (duh), but his clout these days ain’t what it used to be.

Why are we still waiting for his versions of “Porky’s” and “Rock ‘n’ Roll High School?” Stern announced both projects around 2002, but neither has hit theaters yet. Check both out at imdb.com and you see … very little. “Howard Stern’s Porky’s” has a 2009 date on it, but little other information is available. And there’s nothing to indicate he’s going back to “High School” anytime soon. Here’s a semi-recent report on the “Porky’s” update.

Plus, he doesn’t talk about either film much on his Sirius show.

And what about “Howard Stern: The High School Years?” That animated show never got off the ground.

His radio show remains one of the more powerful marketing outlets, despite the far smaller crowd he attracts on Sirius. So should any of the aforementioned projects happen, he’ll have countless hours on air to talk them up.

So what gives? When is the King going to expand his empire?

Would someone please ‘Mess’ with Sandler?

The trailer for Adam Sandler’s latest comedy, “You Don’t Mess with the Zohan,” punk’d me good.

For a while I thought Sandler had graduated from his lazy brand of comedy and struck out for fresh terrain. No such luck.

My Washington Times review captures my disappointment. While certified comedy all-stars like Judd Apatow and Robert Smigel helped write “Zohan,” it’s got Sandler’s stamp all over it.

Black’s ‘Panda’ power

Anyone notice a similar arc in most, if not all, of Jack Black’s movies?

At first, he’s enjoyably daffy. By mid-film you want to strangle his character. Then, slowly, his manic energy wins you over despite your steeliest defenses.

I ran through those emotions in the new kiddie flick “Kung Fu Panda,” for which Black provides the main character’s voice.

“Panda” stars Black as a roley-poly panda named Po who dreams of becoming a kung fu master while slinging noodles for his father’s restaurant.

A series of clumsily staged events forces Po to accept a monumental challenge – to become the Dragon Warrior and defend his village against the evil Tai Lung (Ian McShane, oozing even more menace than he did on “Deadwood”).

On the juice

I distinctly remember watching a tiny TV set in a DC bar 10 years ago as Mark McGwire hit yet another blast in that year’s historic home run race.

The debate over steroids was the furthest thought from my mind. Perhaps that ignorance, willful or otherwise, meant I was playing a small role in this nation’s addiction to steroids.

That thought came to me while watching “Bigger, Stronger, Faster*,” a fascinating new documentary about this country’s relationship with steroids.

My Washington Times review declares my admiration that the movie led me in directions I never suspected.

A boy and his zombie

My zombie radar is pretty sharp, but someone “Fido” slipped past my sensors two years ago. The uber-subversive comedy stars Billy Connolly as Fido, a zombie who works as an indentured servant for the Robinsons.

Let’s back up a minute. “Fido” posits an alternate reality, circa the 1950s, when zombies and humans coexist. Humans defeated the zombies and, thanks to the Zom Com corporation, turned the zombies into docile slaves. And every family should have its own zombie, right?

Young Timmy Robinson (K’Sun Ray) forms a paternal bond with Fido only to find zombies are far more complicated pets than your average canine.

That’s the setting for this ambitious satire, which thanks to flat direction and uneven characterizations doesn’t quite fulfill its promise. It’s still blisteringly original and chock full of style, from its candy-colored sets to the gleeful mocking of the era. And it sure looks beautiful for a modestly budgeted project.

The brief “making of” featurette doesn’t fill in many blanks regarding the true meaning behind the film. Try this interview from Rotten Tomatoes for a better look inside the world of “Fido.”

Director Andrew Currie’s impulses lean to the left – and more power to him for doing so with such a creative spin. Sadly, film critic John Anderson of Newsday used the film as his own ideological cudgel:

But the real story is about Mom and her rotting house servant: In a world where conformity is currency, Mom would prefer a sensitive corpse to a live conservative. Therein lies a lesson for us all.

Biases, like zombies, never die.

‘Wanted and Desired’ – more context

Director Roman Polanski’s life is ripe for a documentary – perhaps more than a few. HBO obliges tonight with “Roman Polanski: Wanted and Desired” at 9 p.m. EST. The feature explores the most famous aspect of the director’s life, and sadly it’s not his impressive resume.

“Wanted and Desired” navigates his 1977 court case involving charges he drugged and coerced a 13-year-old girl into having sex with him. That case drowned out the director’s immense talent and convinced him to flee the U.S. rather than face any potential prosecution.

My Pajamas Media review applauds the technical wizardry behind the documentary, but it still feels like a missed opportunity. Perhaps “Wanted and Desired” won’t be the last cinematic say on the subject.

Live long enough and prosper

Is there anyone having a more satisfying last laugh than William Shatner?

The “Star Trek” icon evolved from sci-fi hero to punch line during his “T.J. Hooker” daze, and now he’s the toast of the town, in part, for his Denny Crane character on “Boston Legal.” But it’s about more than just that ABC drama. He’s a survivor, someone able to laugh at himself while never stopping his search for new gigs.

Heck, his infamous “Saturday Night Live” sketch skewering “Star Trek” conventions and the show’s dweeby fan base should have earned him eternal forgiveness from fans and critics alike.

CNN serves up a fascinating feature on all things Shatner, a recap of career highlights and personal demons. And if you missed any of the actor’s career highlights, you can revisit them courtesy of his new autobiography.

Could anyone see Shatner’s amazing career arc coming?

Not much ‘Happening’ here

If you get scared by stiff winds and the sight of a deranged Betty Buckley, then “The Happening” is the film for you.

If not, the biggest fright here is wasting 90 minutes on M. Night Shyamalan’s latest misfire.

“The Happening” confirms what many film goers feared. Early rumors of Shayamalan’s genius were greatly exaggerated. Now, seeing his name attached to a thriller is a warning beacon, not an invitation written in blood.

“The Happening” involves a toxin-like attack on the Northeastern U.S. There’s something in the air causing people to grab the nearest blunt instrument and smack themselves with it until they die.

And people are dying – in droves.

Enter a high school science teacher named Elliot (Mark Wahlberg), who gathers up his wife (a dazed Zooey Deschanel) and tries to outrun the winds bringing the mind-altering toxins.

But how do you escape something you can’t see, smell or touch? Better yet, how do you craft a thriller out of such ethereal parts? There’s a good concept buried within “The Happening,” but Shyamalan isn’t capable of so much as glimpsing its potential. He wastes a chilling setup, a game leading man and whatever’s left of his tattered film cred on a story that’s downright boring when it isn’t laughably silly.

It’s like a remake of Steven Spielberg’s “War of the Worlds,” but minus the aliens, special effects and tension.

And “The Happening” ends with such a monumental whimper it’s hard not to imagine ticket buyers clenching their fists as they march out of the theater.

Shyamalan was once dubbed “the next Spielberg.” What in the world happened?

Hulk apologies … Hulk sorry

The Hulk, through his publicist, is apologizing for the first big-screen adaption of his life story.

By his publicist, I mean “The Incredible Hulk,” the new film which tries to wipe away memories of director Ang Lee’s take on the Marvel superhero.

My review in The Washington Times compares the two “Hulk” films, finding the franchise reboot to be a more logical approach to the material. And if the CGI-heavy action sequences aren’t enough for comic book fans, there’s a string of cameos and dropped names that should serve as an official apology for Lee’s 2003 feature.

A politically incorrect ‘Promotion’

The trailer for “The Promotion” made me want to avoid it like a new VH1 reality show.

But, trooper that I am, I saw it anyway and rediscovered how deceiving trailers can be. Check out my review over at my other film site Movies in Toto.

One intriguing element I didn’t have room to discuss in my review are scenes in which black hooligans make life tough for Seann William Scott’s character. Would audiences find these sequences offensive? Accurate? Both?

Here’s writer/director Steven Conrad tackling the matter at Ain’t It Cool News (hat tip: Sonny Bunch):

I’ve noticed that some of our content [in THE PROMOTION] that concerns African-Americans, Latinos, some people are made a little uncomfortable by it. And, I don’t know what to say about that except that no one gets off under my consideration. I am as hard on depicting the white board members as being narrow-minded and insufficient as I am in depicting this gang of 19-year-olds as being unsavory and unpleasant in the way their day-to-day language makes the customers feel, which is…It’s all I’m doing. And, if I didn’t bump into it in life, I wouldn’t write about it.

The movie likely won’t be seen by enough people for these depictions to cause a stir. But if they do, it could be good publicity for a film that really could use some extra attention.